Change for Good


I was thinking about how much I’ve messed up or missed the point in different areas of my life throughout the years, and I realized that it’s all a part of my story; all part of my journey. Some mess up less, some mess up more, the point is: where does it bring you? Where does it take you to? It’s all going to change you. Do you strive for that change to be for the better? Do you learn from mistakes, or only repeat them?

You are here, now, and everything that’s led to this point can have purpose. It can all be worth it, if you let God make use of it. The best part of it all is that this is not the final destination. There’s good left to be done, hope in what’s to come, and heaven on the other side. If I hadn’t gone through all I had, I wouldn’t be who I am- where I am. I am uniquely equipped and qualified for the purpose God has for me and my life. I’m in His hands, and there’s no better place to be than that- than where I am. The same can be true for you.

That very next breath you take… is an indicator that it’s not too late.

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Feel the Pain


“Happiness creates a laziness which allows us to forget, but pain… teaches us a lesson which forces us to grow.” -The Killing

It’s interesting how as a society we chase happiness at all costs, especially to others, and numb or escape pain any way we can. I’m not saying let’s seek out pain, but really… which of the two can create the lasting benefit?

If we feel and face pain when it comes, then we’ll truly learn the lessons we ought to from it. That growth aligns our course towards a healthier future.

Choose Life


Dwelling on what could’ve been and should’ve been is like getting lost in make-believe. You create this idealistic reality and imagine that’s how it actually would’ve been if only this, or if only that. But that’s not reality. Reality is what you’re escaping, as real life keeps passing by.

Here’s what you do know: you are where you are, right at this very moment. Who are you going to be? What kind of person are you going to spend your time and energy becoming? If you freeze up when faced with choices and just stay still, you’ve still made a choice. You’ve chosen fear.

Don’t wait for purpose to find you. No one else is going to live your life for you. Don’t let it go to waste. Are you still breathing? Then it’s not too late.

Thoughts and Observations on the Other Side of Marriage


I’m a loyal person. When things start to progress in any form of relationship, roots begin to grow. Roots have never gone as deep as they had when I crossed into the realm of marriage. They are roots that I never thought would be uprooted. So, being on the other side of marriage, I’m finding that God’s going to have to be the one that fully digs them up. I’ve been continually healing, growing, and progressing, but there are just some depths that I cannot reach.

I can think that it wasn’t supposed to be this way… but it is this way. There is beauty, risk, and responsibility behind our gift of free will. The free will of another was enacted, so it is now up to me to use mine and choose to let God take me from here. I don’t know what the future holds, but He does and He is good. That is good enough for me.

Tears Like Rain


The last time the weather felt this way, we were in love… weren’t we? Were we… ever? Did we even know what that meant? I don’t know… but I know now what I meant to you. We both loved the rain and there was a time when, right about now, we’d be cuddled up close with something warm to drink and something classic lighting up the tv screen. We’d share dreams from long ago of things yet to come… but those dreams are gone now and much better left alone. They used to be our compass, but now we’re lost at sea… or maybe it’s just me. You’re overboard now, you went off into the deep… you took those dreams and promises with you; the ones, it seems, you never meant to keep. If only the rain would wash you away… I wish you were here with me, and yet I’m scared to death… that you will never leave.

It’s Time


It’s been a while and I apologize for that. A lot has changed. I spent the last week and a half moving into a new apartment. It’s just another step in the process of separation, as my wife moves to divorce me. I do like it here. It’s a nice home. I went and got a kitten last weekend. He is adorable and has proven himself a wonderful companion during this lonely time. I’m doing ok. I’m accepting what is going on and doing my best to build a new life. Part of doing so is requiring something of me. Something I have ran from for a very long time.

I mentioned before about my history of being sexually abused. It is a demon that has never left me, no matter how hard I tried to muscle my way through life and keep it buried. It is becoming clear that the time has come for me to finally tell my family about what happened. I am beyond scared. I am terrified. I just keep thinking, “God, do I really have to do this?” I don’t want to. I wish this cup could pass from me. But it is time. I can’t keep it buried any longer. This beast has shaped me far too much for far too long. It played a huge role in distorting and ruining my marriage. I have already lost good friends, and now the woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with because of how I let my past shape me. I did not choose what happened to me, but what I do now is my choice. I cannot let the damage spill from me any longer. I am shattered. It is time to let the truth pour out and set me free so God can begin to build me into something new.

Years ago, I went on a retreat into the mountains. It was just me and my closet guy friend. Who am I kidding, he is a brother to me. We packed up a couple of mountain bikes and just rode until we found a spot to pitch a tent. The purpose was to get away from the noise and spend time with God– no cell phone service, no television, and no internet. We prepared sermons to deliver to each other. It was awesome. On one of the days, we broke off. We went our separate ways to hike and spend time with the Lord one on one. We didn’t set a time to be back by, and frankly we didn’t have a means to tell time anyway. While I was hiking up stream and praying, I was captivated by a red dragonfly. It seemed it was following me on my hike. I kept going and praying. Finally, I reached an end point at a waterfall. The whole time I was there, this red dragonfly stayed perched on a rock near me. I kept my eye on it. After a while, it took flight headed back toward the direction we came. This time, I decided to follow it. I kept pace with it all the way back to camp. When I arrived, it was at the exact moment that my brother was returning as well. It was awesome. I am not one given over to mysticism, but I believe that red dragonfly was there for a reason. It was just something cool, you know? Something special I believe God did for me. Ever since that moment, I have taken seeing a red dragonfly as sort of a sign. Just God reminding me that He’s with me, He knows where I’m at, and I’m on the right path.

A couple days after moving into this new place, I stepped out onto the patio to have a smoke. It had been quite a while since I had seen a red dragonfly, but sure enough one came flying by from overhead. Out of all of the cars parked in the complex, it went and flew right over mine. It stopped there and just hovered for a while. I couldn’t help but smile. Eventually, it took off but I was left thinking… maybe I’m right where I’m supposed to be. Things have been devastating. Things have been tragic. But maybe I’m here, now, for a reason. Maybe I’ve been brought to this place and time in life to finally face what I am about to. I have been running for too long. As much as I do not want to do this… as much as I just want to keep running, it’s time. It is finally time.