Fear keeps rearing its ugly head, and I think the latest struggle is in wrestling with this:
The more you have, the more you have to lose.
I’m not just speaking in terms of money/possessions, although those things are included. I’m speaking in terms of relationships and letting people close…
… but even now, God is giving me a healing response. Changing one word in our perspective can change everything. You can turn fear into freedom, by way of love, and that statement above can become:
The more you have, the more you have to give.
When we stop worrying so much about what we have to gain or lose, start considering what’s already been perfectly given unto us from God, and the way He wants to bless others through us, we make the greatest exchanges of all– selfish for selfless, control for trust, pain for strength, and fear for freedom… the freedom to love.
“Happiness creates a laziness which allows us to forget, but pain… teaches us a lesson which forces us to grow.” -The Killing
It’s interesting how as a society we chase happiness at all costs, especially to others, and numb or escape pain any way we can. I’m not saying let’s seek out pain, but really… which of the two can create the lasting benefit?
If we feel and face pain when it comes, then we’ll truly learn the lessons we ought to from it. That growth aligns our course towards a healthier future.
Perhaps what could’ve been would’ve actually been… worse.
We can’t know the future, let alone the potential futures that have come and gone. When we get stuck in self-pity, it’s often because we think of how great things might have been. We ignore the fact that it’s equally possible that things would’ve been much, much worse than they are right now.
There’s no going back, but you get to choose the type of person you’re going to be, and you get to pursue becoming who God always intended you to become. That’s… a pretty incredible thing.
It’s better for me if I don’t know what she’s up to or how things are going. I just hope they’re going well. I pray that they are. I tried to pray tonight and realized I just didn’t know what to say. So, I just told God, “I’ll always love her… and so will You. That’s a good thing. That’s good enough for me.” Amen.
I’ve been completely confounded by life. I’ve seen new depths of brokenness. I am wrestling with faith and trust… I believe only time will offer some of the answers for the reasons why, and that the rest won’t come until I step beyond this plane of time. I believe that God is good. I believe in the hope He offers. Right now, I’m just trying to do the best I can with what I have. I’m trying to spread love, and not hurt. I’m fighting to choose the right things, and not just the easy things. I want to be a tool for good, and not a weapon for wickedness. I desire peace, and hope to promote it in the lives of others. I hope to challenge people to not settle for the way things are, but to take responsibility for the person they are going to be and the life they are going to lead. Through it all, I don’t want my meaning to come from these things. I don’t want it to come in or from my “doing,” or from what you have to offer me. I want it to have already been obtained from the God who made me, died for me, and rose again. The One who dwells with me, in me, and will never leave me- in spite of me. Amen.
Can I be immersed in Your love like an ocean? Floating weightless and only moving with Your tide? Draw me in and move me out, in time with Your current and Your waves. Fill my lungs and all of me. Let me get lost, only to be found at sea.