The Beauty of What Is


Perhaps what could’ve been would’ve actually been… worse.

We can’t know the future, let alone the potential futures that have come and gone. When we get stuck in self-pity, it’s often because we think of how great things might have been. We ignore the fact that it’s equally possible that things would’ve been much, much worse than they are right now.

There’s no going back, but you get to choose the type of person you’re going to be, and you get to pursue becoming who God always intended you to become. That’s… a pretty incredible thing.

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Take Me Under


Can I be immersed in Your love like an ocean? Floating weightless and only moving with Your tide? Draw me in and move me out, in time with Your current and Your waves. Fill my lungs and all of me. Let me get lost, only to be found at sea.

It’s Time


It’s been a while and I apologize for that. A lot has changed. I spent the last week and a half moving into a new apartment. It’s just another step in the process of separation, as my wife moves to divorce me. I do like it here. It’s a nice home. I went and got a kitten last weekend. He is adorable and has proven himself a wonderful companion during this lonely time. I’m doing ok. I’m accepting what is going on and doing my best to build a new life. Part of doing so is requiring something of me. Something I have ran from for a very long time.

I mentioned before about my history of being sexually abused. It is a demon that has never left me, no matter how hard I tried to muscle my way through life and keep it buried. It is becoming clear that the time has come for me to finally tell my family about what happened. I am beyond scared. I am terrified. I just keep thinking, “God, do I really have to do this?” I don’t want to. I wish this cup could pass from me. But it is time. I can’t keep it buried any longer. This beast has shaped me far too much for far too long. It played a huge role in distorting and ruining my marriage. I have already lost good friends, and now the woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with because of how I let my past shape me. I did not choose what happened to me, but what I do now is my choice. I cannot let the damage spill from me any longer. I am shattered. It is time to let the truth pour out and set me free so God can begin to build me into something new.

Years ago, I went on a retreat into the mountains. It was just me and my closet guy friend. Who am I kidding, he is a brother to me. We packed up a couple of mountain bikes and just rode until we found a spot to pitch a tent. The purpose was to get away from the noise and spend time with God– no cell phone service, no television, and no internet. We prepared sermons to deliver to each other. It was awesome. On one of the days, we broke off. We went our separate ways to hike and spend time with the Lord one on one. We didn’t set a time to be back by, and frankly we didn’t have a means to tell time anyway. While I was hiking up stream and praying, I was captivated by a red dragonfly. It seemed it was following me on my hike. I kept going and praying. Finally, I reached an end point at a waterfall. The whole time I was there, this red dragonfly stayed perched on a rock near me. I kept my eye on it. After a while, it took flight headed back toward the direction we came. This time, I decided to follow it. I kept pace with it all the way back to camp. When I arrived, it was at the exact moment that my brother was returning as well. It was awesome. I am not one given over to mysticism, but I believe that red dragonfly was there for a reason. It was just something cool, you know? Something special I believe God did for me. Ever since that moment, I have taken seeing a red dragonfly as sort of a sign. Just God reminding me that He’s with me, He knows where I’m at, and I’m on the right path.

A couple days after moving into this new place, I stepped out onto the patio to have a smoke. It had been quite a while since I had seen a red dragonfly, but sure enough one came flying by from overhead. Out of all of the cars parked in the complex, it went and flew right over mine. It stopped there and just hovered for a while. I couldn’t help but smile. Eventually, it took off but I was left thinking… maybe I’m right where I’m supposed to be. Things have been devastating. Things have been tragic. But maybe I’m here, now, for a reason. Maybe I’ve been brought to this place and time in life to finally face what I am about to. I have been running for too long. As much as I do not want to do this… as much as I just want to keep running, it’s time. It is finally time.

How Could it Be?


If you’ve ever been forsaken by someone, somebody who you love more than you can stand… then you truly know heartbreak. What blows my mind is when I think of God… and how we forsake Him all the time, over and over again even after we’ve tasted His goodness. His heartbreak over humanity must be infinitely greater than mine. And yet, He not only maintains a capacity to love us, He is love. He doesn’t change. He doesn’t lose who He is through the heartbreak. He is God, He is good, and He continually showers us with undeserved blessings. It boggles my mind and makes me love Him more than ever. The more I know Him, the more I want to know Him. Yet, the more I know Him, the more I realize I will never truly understand Him. He is unfathomable beauty. His grace, His strength, His patience… the way He sees us as a prize and finished work when we can only see chaos, is nothing short of miraculous.

Oh Holy and wonderful God, You know me better than I know myself. How dare I consider hating myself when You love me?! The only thing I should ever hate is that which stands between us… help me to always view sin in that light, as the thing that gets between me and You… YOU who gave all for me. You who never leaves or forsakes me. You who remains perfect when I am anything but. I love you. Teach me how to love You more.