Here it is:
I decided to start this blog page the day after I realized that ending my own life was not an option. Hear me out, I am not looking for attention. I am not looking for anyone to talk me down, so to speak. I did not do it. I will not do it. But honestly, who has never thought about it before? This is simply a confession of the shared human experience. There has been only one other occasion that I have come as close to doing it as I did the other night. What has brought me to these points is something that I will reveal in time. Right now I want only to talk about why I did not follow through.
The main reason that prevented me that first time many years ago, and that has also been a continuous thread throughout my life in regards to the thought of suicide is– the fear of hell. Now, I am not here to argue the existence of hell with you. I do not need you to debate me on the topic of secure salvation either. I would also never tell you that just because a loved one of yours has committed suicide that he or she has gone to hell. I do not believe anyone on this earth has the authority to declare who has gone where into the afterlife. Only God truly knows the heart of a person. What I will say is that for me, the fear of hell in regards to killing myself has kept me alive. For whatever it is worth, this is a prime example of fear in the positive sense. I cannot say for certain that ending my life would not compromise my salvation in Christ, and I would not have it any other way. It is a gamble I simply will not take. That being said, this time around there was something new… something different. Another line of reasoning has emerged and it helped to save me from the brink.
No matter where you are at in life, you do not know the end to your story yet. But you can know the end of thee story that is rich with hope, glory, and an eternity with our Lord. That alone can provide the strength to make it through our darkest days. Am I always at my best in believing this? No. But that does not make it any less true. I thank God that truth does not require belief to be true. Take heart and hold on. You may think you are at the edge and that the only thing left is the plummet to the end, but there is hope in the mystery of what lies ahead. Allow for a twist of beauty to come along and take you by surprise. If you cut it short, you will never know what could have been. In due time, there will be purpose for your pain. It is up to you to not allow it all to be in vain.