I hate finding traces of you here… you come and go as a phantom. Your life, that was once very much a part of mine, has become something left to the imagination. Sometimes I wonder what you are up to. Other times I simply don’t want to think about you at all. You’re beautiful and you kill me inside. I don’t want to know… don’t want to care, yet I’d give anything if I had any hint it would bring you here… next to me, where you once belonged. Next to me, where you once called home. You’re a shadow now and you’re fading fast. I reach to grab you, but nothing’s there. Our love, our life is vanishing. Any proof that it was ever real is becoming harder to find. What once was solid became liquid and flowed right down the drain. All that’s left is vapor now, and all our dreams are dissipating. Was it real? What did we have? Was it only a moment to come and go? Where have you gone? All I know is you are not here and you are not the women that I used to know.
My wife left me a couple of months ago. I had become emotionally unavailable and had unmet expectations and demands in our marriage. It was selfish of me. I never stopped loving her, but I became unloving and impatient. I said things I did not mean and did not realize how much damage my words were causing. I should have remembered that words hold the power of life and death. At the same time, she expected us to be each other’s everything. It seems as though she thought everything was meant to be happy and fun all of the time. When it came down to it, she was not willing to work on things. This has caused me to question if she ever really loved me, or just the way I made her feel and all the fun things we could afford before we got married. I suppose speculating on this does no good at this point.
Eventually, I caught her starting a romantic relationship with another man. I did not handle that well. My initial reaction was to offer no grace at all. We tried counseling toward the end, but she was already done. This has now become a faith crisis for her. She is claiming to no longer believe in Jesus or the Bible, which is mind-blowing to me. Our faith had always been such a big part of our lives from the very beginning. Obviously, I did not live out the love of Christ toward her the way I should have, but the fact that she has been able to completely turn her back on everything she has ever believed in like this… it has me reeling. Nothing and no one has been able to get through to her now. She is dead set and is taking all the steps to divorce me. It is not what I want at all, but it has become clear that there is nothing I can do. We were together for three years before we got married. In marriage, we have only lasted over a year and a half.
This has been a devastating struggle, to say the least. I am trying to handle it the best way I can. I have continued with counseling even though she stopped going after two sessions. What is crazy to me throughout all of this is the intense pull I feel toward things I know will only harm me in the end. Why do we do that? I have not been a smoker in over six years, and here I am shaking for a cigarette every two hours or so. Then there is alcohol. I used to be able to have a drink or two and it was no big deal. It was relaxing and fun. Now, one drink in and I just want to die. It is like an amplifier for all the sadness within me. Something I could enjoy from time to time has become a danger to me now. There is another thing that has been creeping up too… this desire to just go out and sleep around. I have never been a promiscuous person. I, unfortunately, was not a virgin before my wife. That was due to sexual abuse that I will touch on more down the road. But when it came to my wife and I, we waited until marriage to have sex. I believe that is the right thing to do. Other than my abuser, she is the only woman I have ever been with. So where is this coming from? Suddenly, I just want to lose myself in selfish satisfaction at all costs. That is not me. That is not who I want to be. I am fighting and seeking the Lord for the strength to overcome. I know that through Him, we are more than conquerors.
The point that I want to make with all of this is that none of these self-destructive thoughts or actions have done a single thing to help me through this. They have not helped and they will not help. So why do we do it? Why do we try to fill up our emptiness with empty things and expect to be fulfilled as a result? Those things will never help us obtain what we truly need. Believing that they will is buying into a lie. They placate us just enough to keep us from progress. It may be hard to face the work and pain that we need to go through, but it will never be behind us if we do not go through it. There is no way around it. It is a valley of shadow and death, but our God is with us… so, what is there to fear? There is nothing greater than Him. Nothing is too difficult for Him. Eventually, the valley will open up and we will experience freedom from the cliff sides that surround us. God takes us through these valleys for freedom’s sake. The darkness makes the light shine that much brighter, in contrast. If we did not know pain and bondage, would we fully appreciate the healing and freedom that only He can bring? Do not sell yourself short. Do not capitalize on your own suffering for an opportunity to chase self-destructive and empty pursuits. You are worth more than that. Your heartbreak means more than that. The next time you want to treat yourself like you have no worth, seek the One who thought you were worth dying for– to save.
Here it is:
I decided to start this blog page the day after I realized that ending my own life was not an option. Hear me out, I am not looking for attention. I am not looking for anyone to talk me down, so to speak. I did not do it. I will not do it. But honestly, who has never thought about it before? This is simply a confession of the shared human experience. There has been only one other occasion that I have come as close to doing it as I did the other night. What has brought me to these points is something that I will reveal in time. Right now I want only to talk about why I did not follow through.
The main reason that prevented me that first time many years ago, and that has also been a continuous thread throughout my life in regards to the thought of suicide is– the fear of hell. Now, I am not here to argue the existence of hell with you. I do not need you to debate me on the topic of secure salvation either. I would also never tell you that just because a loved one of yours has committed suicide that he or she has gone to hell. I do not believe anyone on this earth has the authority to declare who has gone where into the afterlife. Only God truly knows the heart of a person. What I will say is that for me, the fear of hell in regards to killing myself has kept me alive. For whatever it is worth, this is a prime example of fear in the positive sense. I cannot say for certain that ending my life would not compromise my salvation in Christ, and I would not have it any other way. It is a gamble I simply will not take. That being said, this time around there was something new… something different. Another line of reasoning has emerged and it helped to save me from the brink.
No matter where you are at in life, you do not know the end to your story yet. But you can know the end of thee story that is rich with hope, glory, and an eternity with our Lord. That alone can provide the strength to make it through our darkest days. Am I always at my best in believing this? No. But that does not make it any less true. I thank God that truth does not require belief to be true. Take heart and hold on. You may think you are at the edge and that the only thing left is the plummet to the end, but there is hope in the mystery of what lies ahead. Allow for a twist of beauty to come along and take you by surprise. If you cut it short, you will never know what could have been. In due time, there will be purpose for your pain. It is up to you to not allow it all to be in vain.
God, I’m trying… but how do you make that leap from trying to doing? I forgot how to let go… or maybe I never have before. Maybe I packaged everything up tightly and hid it away. But the beast inside that box grew hungry… it broke through the seams and it is back in my life. And so here is what this blog is all about:
You cannot let something go by simply pretending it is not there. You have to face it… stare it down while you slowly pull away. You cannot do this quickly, no, you have earned this victory. So, you savor every moment as you watch its power over you fade. But as you pull away, do not expect the talons to release… no, they are going to rake your flesh the entire way and try to tear you to shreds in the process. So, you will pull and wounds will open… but they will heal. And you will pull, more wounds will open… but they too will heal. Before you know it, that trail of pain will be a trail of healing and those claws will not touch you any longer. The scars that remain will be your trophy… but those scars will fade with time, and soon they will be nothing but a phantom of the strength you have acquired. Join me in becoming who we were always meant to be… born to be broken, only then to be set free.