Marriage is a hell of a thing to have to experience by trial and error. I don’t want to ever have to learn from it in this way again. That’s why it is so important that I extract every possible lesson from this, allow it to blow open all of my illusions, and let it cause me to face reality and all the ways I need to change. There’s what’s been done to you, but there’s also who you’ve allowed yourself to be and what you’ve allowed yourself to do. What you’ve been given is not your fault, but what you do with it is your charge. You want to know how to learn from mistakes? Allow yourself to feel all that you ought to through the consequences. That is lesson enough to not want to be there again. I am not talking about going to a morbid place, or taking it to an unhealthy extent, but escape, numbness, band-aids, and cutting corners is like pursuing leprosy of the soul. It was when you felt the burn that you learned touching fire will hurt. The draw to want to rush through the lessons is incredibly strong, but when I let myself feel through this time, I know that no shortcut is worth being here again. I only hope that my transparency will be used to help someone else not go through the same.
*This is a draft from 11/30/2013 that somehow got overlooked and not posted. It’s interesting to look back and see when the hurt and angst was still so raw.
It’s better for me if I don’t know what she’s up to or how things are going. I just hope they’re going well. I pray that they are. I tried to pray tonight and realized I just didn’t know what to say. So, I just told God, “I’ll always love her… and so will You. That’s a good thing. That’s good enough for me.” Amen.
I’ve been completely confounded by life. I’ve seen new depths of brokenness. I am wrestling with faith and trust… I believe only time will offer some of the answers for the reasons why, and that the rest won’t come until I step beyond this plane of time. I believe that God is good. I believe in the hope He offers. Right now, I’m just trying to do the best I can with what I have. I’m trying to spread love, and not hurt. I’m fighting to choose the right things, and not just the easy things. I want to be a tool for good, and not a weapon for wickedness. I desire peace, and hope to promote it in the lives of others. I hope to challenge people to not settle for the way things are, but to take responsibility for the person they are going to be and the life they are going to lead. Through it all, I don’t want my meaning to come from these things. I don’t want it to come in or from my “doing,” or from what you have to offer me. I want it to have already been obtained from the God who made me, died for me, and rose again. The One who dwells with me, in me, and will never leave me- in spite of me. Amen.